Is One Month Enough to Know?
It’s here – the end of February. February is the window of time I set for myself to try my four best options. I’m surprised and discouraged that I still don’t have a clear, single path forward. Perhaps I wouldn’t be enthused with life deciding for me, either. Part of the deal was that if all of these completely failed, or I found out I disliked all of them, I would then begin looking for a “normal job”. This is essentially punishment, because that’s my worst nightmare right now. Turns out, that was very motivating. I posted ten YouTube videos, wrote 12 blog posts, and edited 7 photos. I learned about video titles, video thumbnails, watermarks, several things about iMovie, and went through building three versions of this website. Not to mention a rash decision to get back on dating apps on Valentine’s Day. (You can say it.) There’s a chance this has been the busiest month of my whole life.
My big question is: What did I learn about the future I want for myself?
I’d say I’m on track. I’m headed toward a life I do want. I’m aware I may have to do some tuning yet, but I’m going the right direction. I also learned that I need improvement on my creative energies. I’m hoping it’s because I still have to hold down this “9-5”, but with Mach01Moto and photography, I get into this perspective of either ‘I don’t know what to put out there’ or ‘Who even cares about that? It’s boring.’ Probably some of it really is boring. (Video #9 on Mach01Moto is performing horribly.) But I suspect this is self-doubt and negativity, because I know I’m very proud of some of my videos, blog posts, and photos. (And did you see the fiction I wrote yesterday?!) Another factor is that I’m still a beginner at all of these. I’m doing my best to be patient and hopeful, but the financial pressure of my life right now is significant.
One key thing I’ve learned is how I am, how I feel in my life when doing these things. You know those roads that cut through a foothill or something like that? Let’s say 2021 was before that road was started in my life. And the road across that hill is an analogy for my self-discipline. In 2021, it wasn’t the most-traveled road ever. Today, it’s still not the easiest path, but February wore a huge groove into it. I notice that it takes that much less energy to move myself toward starting something.
When I considered writing a blog post or starting to edit a video, those got easier and easier each time. In many ways, the first one really is the hardest. Even in smaller ways this happens. With Mach01Moto, I had eight videos up and was going kind of strong, but set a goal for the next one to start doing thumbnails. Man did this feel like suddenly hitting a sand dune. I resisted working on that one because of this new thing, a whole extra bit to create. This was the lowest point, and was late at night, February 27th. But the rest of the month I was getting better and better at discipline, quickly starting each thing I’d chosen to work on.
The feeling that has come with this is close to a soft euphoria. Because it’s not only there once you’ve started, or when you finish. I’m feeling it during as well (like right now), and I’m feeling it when I’m not working on something, too. That knowledge in the back of my mind that I am spending my days being productive, creating things, is welcome company.
This change in my own perspective on my progress is the linchpin. As you’d imagine, I have a short-term decision to make. It’s March now. Do I bail on these and seek a W-2 job? If not, then what instead? That “soft euphoria” feeling I’ve had this month is critical, particularly in how it’s affected how I feel about my day job. I find my day job very stressful, and not a path toward a successful future. But while working on these things, my day job was far more bearable, because of knowing I was trying my way, I was building something. So for March, I’m going to keep this going, same as February. Post, post, post. When April arrives, hopefully I will get to make the same decision. Then I’ll do the same for May, June, and so on. I do really need to make more money, and this is not a very fast way to do so, but I’m hoping I can hold on just long enough for my way to work. I’m scared by how risky that might get, but in a hopeful way. There might be some dynamite, and it’s going to take some time, but soon there will be an easier path through this hill.