What Is Certainty?
Building off of my last post, I have to say that I’m still far from certain about a “career choice”, to the point that I don’t know if I ever will be certain. I have so much doubt. I have doubt that I even like these four things* very much (except motorcycling, but I doubt if I’ll love sharing it with people), and I have doubt in myself being any good at them. I want to and try to tell myself that this is self-doubt, or maybe anxiety, because somewhere in my mind I know that I am good at writing, I am good at photography, and I am good at riding. Sure, I pale in comparison if you choose certain people. But sometimes I’ll talk with someone who doesn’t know or care a lick about one of these, and I remember all I’ve learned, all the skill I’ve developed. It’s not nothing. Reminding myself of that sort of thing can help.
But I still struggle with that question, “What gets you out of bed in the morning?” Perhaps too much of my time and energy is tied up in my day job, but I don’t really have an answer for this. I get up because my cat, Victor, is hungry. Or I’m hungry. I get up because I feel guilty just laying in bed still. Sometimes I’m excited to work on a particular thing, like at the beginning of the year when I was making my first Bullet Journal. I had a lot of fun with that, despite finishing it eight days later than I wanted. (Tomorrow is March, and I’m still writing in that and filling out the trackers I made!) This is part of what I’ve been searching for, because that’s kind of a rarity for me. I want more of this.
I’ve found a couple things that I enjoy that are also productive. For example, today I’ll be writing and sending the second issue of my newsletter. I’ve been posting to YouTube pretty heavily (for a rookie, at least). But it’s not the same as when you have a big trip, like a vacation you’ve been planning. Those days, you’re definitely hurrying out of bed. Those days, you might not even really be able to sleep! That’s too high of a bar for what I’m talking about, but it’s good for comparison. I need something between that and “Victor’s hungry” as reason to start my day. Don’t get me wrong, those days have happened. But I don’t recall any repetitive reason. I don’t know if this is poor memory, or that I just haven’t found that “Goldilocks” sweet spot of ‘a reason to get up’ yet.
So here’s my plan, it has two strategies. One, I’m going to write down in my Bullet Journal when I know a clear reason I got out of bed that day (that wasn’t work). Two, I’m going to look for other people’s stories on what they think this means. If my search has taught me anything, it’s that I have had some common definitions a bit wrong; this could very well be one of them, too.
*see tomorrow’s post